Here we are at the end of the first month of a new year. Usually most folks look forward to the new year since it can represent a new beginning and/or a chance to “do better” than in the previous twelve months.

New Year’s Eve parties are planned and large community gatherings are organized. The agenda is to celebrate with friends, food, libations, confetti, noise-makers and resolutions.

You, as a griever, have successfully made it through January. Good for you!

However, you may have had a much different take on New Year’s. It could have been hard to conjure up energy and joy about the approaching year. It was probably hurtful at times when the media and others encouraged you to have a HAPPY New Year.

Your questions could have been (and may still be); what do I have to be happy about, how can I possibly look forward to a new year without the physical presence of my loved one, or what makes anyone think I have the extra energy to resolve to stop a bad habit or initiate a new more positive behavior?

Considering the emotional ups and downs that are a natural part of the grief process, you may have had a few experiences of happiness in January. Perhaps you had a moment when you looked forward to feeling better in the new year. Maybe you saw and felt another person’s joy about their possibilities in the new year and truly felt glad for them.

It could be, as this first month of the new year ends, you have chosen not to recognize the significance or possibilities for YOU in a “new year”. Even if you haven’t consciously decided to avoid the concept of a new year I invite you to stay with me here for what comes next.

Your loved one has died, your heart feels broken, your grief process is overwhelming, you struggle daily with the draining emotion of sadness, and you don’t necessarily feel hopeful about your future.

However, you are alive and you do have a future. Do you believe your future life can be better than you have ever imagined? I believe it can.

The passage of time will always bring about a new year. As a griever you do face a new year without your loved one but you can approach it positively by taking gifts from your loved one with you.

Your loved one taught you many things, gave you treasured items, instilled within you important morals and ethics, genetically provided you with physical attributes, opened your mind to new and broad ideas and etc.

Make a list of the gifts your loved one has left with you. I suggest you write this list by hand and not use a computer. It is impossible to have anything “wrong” on your list.

Your gifts may include things like: 1. beautiful red curling hair, 2. the ability to speak fluent Spanish, 3. the attitude of always seeing the glass half-full, 4. the opportunity to attend college, 5. bright blue eyes, 6. the habit of exercising, 7. the special recipes created, 8. the stamp collection that is so unique and beautiful, 9. the idea of practicing random acts of kindness and 10. etc.

You are singularly unique and your list of gifts will be unique as well. Your relationship with your loved one was important and they have influenced you physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. These are their permanent gifts for you.

After you have made your list of these loving gifts I invite you to get creative. Match each gift with something you can look at and experience. This “something” will become the symbol for the gift.

For instance, if your gift is red curling hair you might cut off a small curl or get a piece of red ribbon that matches the red of your hair or get a pretty red bead or button from a craft shop. For the glass half-full — pick out an elegant glass. Use a thank-you card to represent the opportunity you have to attend college/trade school.

You could get a different bead or individual small candle for each gift. Engage the healing power of your creative self now. It is so important to your healing.

However you match your gift with its symbol need only have meaning for you. Your choices don’t have to be logical or understood by anyone else. The length of time you take to accomplish all of this will be perfect timing.

Once you have your list and have matched the gifts with their symbols place them on a dresser, table or window sill. Have them in a place you pass by frequently.

As you pass by the symbols you have chosen, pause for a moment and recognize their value. Express gratitude for the gifts left for you, know your loved one will live on as you embrace and personalize your gifts and take them with you into the new year. This should help you feel stronger as you face your new year while grieving.

I wish you a new year filled with as many happy times as possible.

Sincerely sending you Peace, Love & Creativity,

Tricia

PS You know, of course, that for a griever a “new year” can begin at many places in the calendar — your loved ones birthday or day of death, your birthday or the beginning of summer and etc. At anytime you feel hopeless or especially sad missing your loved one, remember their gifts and then the good parts of your loved one will live on within you and give you peace.

The biggest form of celebration during Christmas seems to be gift-giving. Usually gifts placed under the Christmas tree are special. Plans for a gift may have started months earlier, money was saved and anticipating the person opening the gift is an enjoyable vision in your mind’s eye.

During grief the gift giving experience may not be enjoyable. You may not have the energy for giving or receiving gifts. The concept of exchanging gifts might seem meaningless from your broken heart point of view. One of the special people you have been exchanging gifts with may be the loved one who has died.

The tradition of giving and receiving gifts is based in love. Giving and receiving have equal value. The gracious loving acceptance of a gift is a “gift” back to the giver. The good feelings of giving a gift are from the joy the recipient of the gift expresses.

Originating from the teachings of Jesus Christ, who taught the power of love in our hearts, Christmas is indeed an occasion to give and receive love through the process of gift-giving.

I want to gift you with a True Pearl of healing wisdom for grief. It is about creativity and healing. In the next paragraphs I’m going to ask you to tap into your creative self and encourage you to participate in the gift giving of Christmas.

A True Pearl:

Accessing your inherent creativity will be essential to your healthy and productive experience of grief.

When you get in touch with your creative self you are naturally open to healing. Being creative while attending to any aspect of grief is a magical healing experience that defies explanation. The healing often occurs without conscious knowing.

Have faith and trust what I am suggesting will help you work through any sadness you are feeling now.

It is easy and fun to bring creativity into gift wrapping. Purchasing wrapping paper (for any occasion) is a creative experience. As you decide which to buy you are looking and sensing which is most pleasing to you, looks good and is attractive.

Choose a gift/s you will be giving this Christmas. It could be a gift to your loved one who has passed or to someone else you love. Or it can be a gift to yourself.

You will think of ways to be creative with the wrapping of this gift/s. Here are some suggestions to get you started:

* Select a wrapping paper you already have or go shopping and choose a paper that attracts you. Turn it over and see how much of the design is imprinted on the back.

After deciding which side to work with begin by outlining certain objects or adding a different color to parts of the design. Paste on objects or designs you have cut from other wrapping papers or magazines. Use felt tip pens or colored pencils to fill in certain places or to write words. Attach holiday stickers and/or use spray adhesive and glitter.

You will feel and sense when you are finished. You may have added a little or a lot to the original wrapping paper. Either is perfectly fine.

In this creative effort the look of the result is not important so no judgment is allowed. You are working from your heart with love and you will feel the beauty of your creation.

* Make your own wrapping paper. Get a piece of kraft, butcher or drawing paper to decorate. Use rubber stamps, stencils or pictures cut from magazines or commercial wrapping paper. Use colored pencils, felt tip pens or craypas to add color or write words. Make a rubbing of an object with an interesting texture and/or use stickers.

You may use symbols associated with the Christmas season or symbols that have meaning to the recipient (or to you). When you feel and sense this original wrapping paper is finished then it is. Again, in this creative effort the look of the result is not important so no judgment is allowed. You are working from your heart with love and you will feel the beauty of your creation.

* Wrap the gift and finish with the perfect bow. Get a selection of pre-tied bows or ribbon in a variety of colors. First choose the color of bow or ribbon that seems logical to you. Lay it on the package, take a look and notice how you feel. Next pick a bow or ribbon in a color you think is the worst possible choice and lay it on the package, take a look and feel.

Continue in this way using different ways of choosing a bow/ribbon: with your eyes closed, your favorite color, the color most or least appearing in your wrapping paper and etc.

After awhile your creative self will let you know which is the perfect bow/s or ribbon/s for your specially wrapped package. You may or may not even present the gift you have just wrapped. What is very important here is that you allowed yourself a conscious creative experience.

I wish you the most joyful, creative and healing Christmas possible.

Sincerely sending you Peace, Love & Creativity,

Tricia

PS The holidays I am addressing include the American holidays of Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. These holidays are in my tradition & experience and I can honestly write about them.

Certainly I honor the holiday traditions of other cultures but am not able to authentically write about them relative to grief. Perhaps YOU can and will use the Comments function at the end of this post to share your knowledge and insights?
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Thanksgiving is right around the corner. The holiday that focuses on giving thanks. The holiday that encourages the loving gathering of family. The holiday that you, while grieving the death of a loved one, might want to avoid.

It is natural for a person in grief to feel anger (even extra anger) during the holidays. Anger at the media and retail industry for constantly promoting the wondrous nature of the holiday season. Anger at all the people walking around dressed in the colors and symbols of the holidays. Even anger at yourself for not being able to “snap out of it” and get into the holiday spirit.

You are grieving the loss of your loved one, trying to manage anger, fit in socially and maintain a level of self love and acceptance on a one-day-at-a-time schedule. Thanksgiving is right around the corner and you might be wondering what do I have to be thankful for this year? Giving thanks and gratitude might seem like crazy concepts.

What you were thankful for last year probably doesn’t have the same meaning for you this year. You are becoming a different person because of the death of your loved one, even if you don’t realize all your changes yet. Your priorities are rearranging, your awareness of the preciousness of time has grown and your sense of the power of love is heightened.

You are a wiser person than you were before, even if you don’t feel so quite yet. Perhaps this is the first thing you could give thanks for this year? Try this on for size — I am thankful that I am becoming a wiser person. How do you feel reading this thanks-giving statement? Say it out loud please. How do you feel speaking this thanks-giving statement? If it doesn’t feel quite right try this — Even though I am really sad this year, I am grateful to be growing into a wiser person.

The healing power of giving thanks and expressing gratitude is strong. Many people have experienced this strong healing power and you, I’m certain, are aware of the concept of gratitude journals. Right now, in your grief and at the time of the American holiday of Thanksgiving, could be the perfect time for you to begin giving thanks as a griever.

I encourage you to take pen or pencil to paper and begin a list of things you can truly be thankful for, even though your loved one isn’t physically here, you are sad and your life may be in upheaval. Reasons to be thankful may not be obvious right now but they are present. You can find some.

Start by looking for things to be thankful for that are directly related to your loved one’s life in general or their life specific to you. I am thankful that my dad taught me how to play baseball, or I am grateful my grandmother was recognized as Volunteer of the Year. She was so happy at the awards dinner.

Next look for things you can be grateful for concerning their death. I am so thankful that my brother Tom got home to have quality time with mom before she died, or I give thanks for the wonderful people at hospice who gave beautiful and loving care to Aunt Jane. The music was so glorious at mom’s funeral and I’m so thankful for that, or I’m thankful for all the sympathy cards we received. Reading them over again has been comforting.

Now look for things to give thanks for relating to positive changes in your life and/or your family. I am thankful now that I’m not crying in the middle of the night, or I am so grateful that every family member will be at mom’s house this Thanksgiving.

Finally, find things to be thankful for that are outside of you. I am thankful that the sun shines on my neighbor’s garden, or I am grateful that so many people worldwide are praying for peace on Earth every day, or I give thanks for the people who learn how and practice dancing so I can enjoy holiday musicals.

I humbly offer these thanks-giving possibilities to you. Of course, you will use your own language and style of writing/speaking as you find reasons to be thankful specific to your life right now. If you will be more comfortable, use a preface statement like Even though I am sad (mad, afraid, devastated) I am thankful that. . .

It is OK if you only have a few thanks-giving-things on your list. It is OK if tears are staining your list. It is OK to keep your thanks-giving list private or you may decide to share it with someone.

I wish you a happy thanks-giving-day.

Sincerely sending you Peace, Love & Creativity,

Tricia

PS I can’t leave without reminding you that “snapping out of it” (paragraph two) is never required or necessarily recommended during grief. I prefer to encourage you to respect yourself by experiencing your feelings when they come up. Particular emotions usually won’t show up unless you’re ready to feel them.

The holidays I am addressing include the American holidays of Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. These holidays are in my tradition & experience and I can honestly write about them.

Certainly I honor the holiday traditions of other cultures but am not able to authentically write about them relative to grief. Perhaps YOU can and will use the Comments function at the end of this post to share your knowledge and insights?

As this holiday season approaches you may have a heavy heart since it may be the first time you celebrate the holidays without your loved one.

As you know, any day can be emotionally challenging during grief. For most of us, though, the holidays are different from any days because they focus so intently on togetherness, love, family, goodness and joy. Any of these are sensitive issues during grief.

The holidays also seem to come with expectations involving traveling, shopping, cooking, greeting cards, decorating, dressing up, parties, extra church activities and etc. Any of these activities could require more energy than a griever can access.

“How will I survive the holidays this year?” is a question in the minds and hearts of many during their grief right now. The answer I offer is to make a plan for the specific approaching holiday. The previous post, Planning for the Holidays during Grief, gives info about the how, why and what of greeting a holiday with a plan. The primary benefit of having a plan is that you won’t be unnecessarily overwhelmed on the holiday.

Sometimes the plan is to keep all your holiday traditions intact. Sometimes the plan is to make changes in holiday traditions. Changes you make this holiday season won’t automatically become new traditions.

For those of you who are interested in making changes to your holiday activities, below are some possibilities. These are merely ideas intended to get you started thinking about changes comfortable for you and/or your family.

* have your holiday meal at a different home
* have your holiday meal at a different time
* have your holiday meal at a restaurant
* change the menu for your holiday meal
* re-arrange the usual seating plan for the meal
* invite new people to share in your holiday meal
* change the “dress code” for your holiday meal
* attend a church service related to the holiday
* help serve a holiday meal at a shelter
* decide not to exchange gifts this year
* collect the money that would have been spent on gifts & donate to charity
* collect the money that would have been spent on gifts & buy toys for a children’s group
* put up a different type and/or size Christmas tree
* use different decorations & lights on the Christmas tree
* initiate or join a holiday caroling group
* decide not to send greeting cards this year
* decide to send greeting cards this year
* play different renditions of your favorite carols
* discover a new Christmas carol to share
* travel to a vacation spot for the holiday
* sleep through new year’s eve
* stay up to see the new year’s eve “ball drop”
* don’t make a list of new year’s resolutions

Please share any ideas you have for making changes to your holiday traditions in the Comments part of this post. Your ideas and feelings can be really helpful to another in their journey through the holidays.

Sincerely sending you Peace, Love & Creativity,

Tricia

The holiday season I am addressing includes the American holidays of Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. These holidays are in my tradition & experience and I can honestly write about them.

The holidays can be an especially painful time for people whose loved one has died. Even the approach of the holiday season can bring a grieving person worry and concern.

Not only are grievers affected the first year after their loss, but strong feelings can come up for many subsequent years. Indeed, many peoples’ hearts will be saddened during the holidays for the rest of their lives. If the death of your loved one happened close to or on one of these holidays your experience of the holiday may not ever be easy.

For many of us the holidays are a time of family gatherings filled with love, tradition and ritual. You know, since your loved one will not be physically present, this holiday season will be different than any before.

The commercial aspect of the holidays is a factor in grief. Stores, our neighborhoods, the workplace, television, and magazines focus us on the holidays even if we try not to be aware of the time of year. Churches put emphasis on the holiday season for spiritual significance as well as to build community. The message conveyed is the holiday season is a time of laughter, joy, love and warmth.

Feeling overwhelmed by the approaching holiday season is an experience shared by many in their process of grief. However, you deserve to eventually celebrate the holidays again in a way that is meaningful to you. This goal is possible to achieve if you choose it.

Making a plan for Thanksgiving Day, Christmas Eve & Day and New Year’s Eve & Day is key to experiencing some laughter, feeling some joy, sharing love and feeling the warmth of the holiday season. Your plan, of course, can have space for sadness and tears. Your experience of Thanksgiving can affect what you plan for Christmas, and your experience of Christmas will probably influence your plan for New Years.

Perhaps not everyone involved will be in agreement about the plan for the holidays. Compromises can be made or individuals can choose to proceed in a way that is good for them.

Even if you don’t follow your plan exactly, having felt/thought through and prepared your plan will get you to a place of personal strength. From this space of strength you will be able to navigate through the emotionally charged holidays reasonably well or better.

Waking up the morning of the holiday unprepared will leave you in a space of weakness and your day could then be filled with extra upset and sadness that could have been avoided.

Some families/people are comforted by keeping traditions as they always have been. The death of their loved one brought a huge unwelcome change into their lives and making more changes is simply not OK. Thus, the “plan” that feels right for these people/families is to follow holiday plans as they have been before. After taking some time to talk and feel it through, you and your family may plan not to make any changes.

Other families want to do something different for their holidays in the year/s following the death of their loved one. They talk it over, feel it through and decide making some changes will help them celebrate the holiday as comfortably as possible. Although new traditions are not set in one year, making significant changes is leading in that direction and brings comfort.

As the holidays approach I encourage you to begin making advance plans. Being proactive at this time will serve you well. If you decide to make changes to previous years’ holiday traditions, watch for the next post as it will contain some possibilities for you.

Also upcoming are posts about emotional challenges specific to the holidays of Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years.

Sincerely sending you Peace, Love & Creativity,

Tricia