Support groups can be helpful as you journey through your grief. Many report that participation in a grief support group brought them significant healing.

A major tenet of any type of support group is confidentiality. This means that whatever is said in the group “stays in the group”. All members of the group agree not to tell anyone (including spouses and close friends) anything that is shared in the group. This promise of confidentiality even includes the names of other group members.

So, as a member of a grief support group you have the opportunity to share your feelings freely. For example, you can talk about your deepest fears or anger, use whatever terms or language will help you express yourself, and know your comments and feelings won’t be repeated outside the group.

This freedom of emotional expression is an important part of the healing process. Also important is the fact that no one in a grief support group is ever judged for the content of their feelings and comments. The environment of the group will be accepting, warm and safe.

Each group member is in their personal process of grief with unique problems and concerns but, in the general sense, everyone knows about broken hearts, debilitating sadness, fear and feelings of isolation & aloneness. The grief group is a place where you will be understood, which is a major aspect of the support.

Extreme emotions and tears are expected and welcomed in a grief support group. It will be one place where, when you cry and automatically say “I’m sorry” everyone will respond with “you don’t need to apologize”.

Usually members of the group won’t know each other in the beginning. They also probably won’t have known your loved one. Consequently no one will have pre-conceptions or make assumptions about you. This objective environment encourages individuals to speak freely and share deeply which is helpful to all. Because of this I suggest family members grieving the same loss attend different grief support groups.

In your grief support group you will learn much from others and, at the same time, you will be a teacher for the other members. Often lasting and supportive friendships are formed in a grief support group - don’t be afraid of this possibility.

Sincerely sending you Peace, Love & Creativity,

Tricia

A lovely woman, whose husband had passed away four months earlier, told me what she needed most was the strength to stop breaking down and crying in public. She said that something would trigger her grief and, no matter where she was, she would dissolve into tears.

Even the most truly confident and self assured of us wonder, at times, if we are being judged for our actions and behaviors. Since grievers are likely, at times, to not feel self assured and confident, it can seem a disaster to cry in public.

Sadness and tears, for many people, are private, intimate and not to be shared with strangers. Some of us believe crying is a sign of weakness and appearing weak/vulnerable in a public spot isn’t a good idea.

Crying in a public place can be embarrassing and bring up feelings of shame and fear. The fear is about being judged weak and/or overly dramatic. We could be afraid that someone will approach us, offer help and then we would feel ashamed. Or perhaps the fear is that we will lose control, not be able to stop crying and not be able to get ourselves home.

This widow used the expression; ‘break down’ and cry. The internal message I believe we give ourselves when we use this expression is that we are doing something wrong – that the natural response of tears to sadness is wrong.

Of course this isn’t a message I would ever want to give a griever or want them to give themselves. I suggested she change the expression to ‘open up’ and cry. Tears of grief and the sadness they represent need to be expressed and released from inside the body, heart and soul. Then there will be space for healing in the body, heart and soul.

The strength for this lovely widow and other grievers lies in allowing tears to flow, even in public. It also lies in recognizing the beauty inherent in honest unhindered expressions of emotion.

Sincerely sending you Peace, Love & Creativity,

Tricia

The experience of grief is often described like waves coming into shore from the ocean. But instead of comfy warm or coolly refreshing water, the waves of grief washing over you are full of pain and anguish.

Unlike ocean waves that wash up on the beach at regular rhythmic intervals, waves of grief are initially unpredictable and can wash over you with no warning. Often waves of grief arrive when you least expect them and at times you feel unprepared for strong painful emotions.

Sometimes you may be able to identify what has triggered a wave of grief. It may be certain music or the smell of favorite foods. It could be the smell of particular flowers, perfume or aftershave. Hearing the theme music of a television show or driving by certain places can trigger intense feelings of grief too.

You may want to control your exposure to some of the triggers you have identified. For example, you can choose temporarily to not listen to the radio, CDs or your iPod. You could avoid the section of the mall where the cookies are baking or change the route you are driving for awhile.

Your actions will depend on what triggers you have identified. You have the right to protect yourself from some of your intense feelings of grief at times. Sometimes, in order to experience especially painful feelings, it can be wise to give yourself a break from others. Too many emotions all at once can be overwhelming, disheartening and paralyzing.

Of course there will be times when waves of grief will wash over you, threatening to drown you in sadness and tears, without warning and without an identifiable trigger. At these times the most you can do to control or prepare is to have tissues with you and, if possible, allow your tears to flow freely.

I’m sure you have heard the expression a “good cry”. I believe the person who coined that phrase did so because of how good they felt after crying. Tears are part of our excretory system and a natural means of eliminating pain and sadness from our hearts, souls and bodies.

Allow yourself to cry during this very sad time. Holding back your tears is not a sign of strength nor will it assist you in feeling better sooner.

Sincerely sending you Peace & Love,

Tricia