Thanksgiving is right around the corner. The holiday that focuses on giving thanks. The holiday that encourages the loving gathering of family. The holiday that you, while grieving the death of a loved one, might want to avoid.

It is natural for a person in grief to feel anger (even extra anger) during the holidays. Anger at the media and retail industry for constantly promoting the wondrous nature of the holiday season. Anger at all the people walking around dressed in the colors and symbols of the holidays. Even anger at yourself for not being able to “snap out of it” and get into the holiday spirit.

You are grieving the loss of your loved one, trying to manage anger, fit in socially and maintain a level of self love and acceptance on a one-day-at-a-time schedule. Thanksgiving is right around the corner and you might be wondering what do I have to be thankful for this year? Giving thanks and gratitude might seem like crazy concepts.

What you were thankful for last year probably doesn’t have the same meaning for you this year. You are becoming a different person because of the death of your loved one, even if you don’t realize all your changes yet. Your priorities are rearranging, your awareness of the preciousness of time has grown and your sense of the power of love is heightened.

You are a wiser person than you were before, even if you don’t feel so quite yet. Perhaps this is the first thing you could give thanks for this year? Try this on for size — I am thankful that I am becoming a wiser person. How do you feel reading this thanks-giving statement? Say it out loud please. How do you feel speaking this thanks-giving statement? If it doesn’t feel quite right try this — Even though I am really sad this year, I am grateful to be growing into a wiser person.

The healing power of giving thanks and expressing gratitude is strong. Many people have experienced this strong healing power and you, I’m certain, are aware of the concept of gratitude journals. Right now, in your grief and at the time of the American holiday of Thanksgiving, could be the perfect time for you to begin giving thanks as a griever.

I encourage you to take pen or pencil to paper and begin a list of things you can truly be thankful for, even though your loved one isn’t physically here, you are sad and your life may be in upheaval. Reasons to be thankful may not be obvious right now but they are present. You can find some.

Start by looking for things to be thankful for that are directly related to your loved one’s life in general or their life specific to you. I am thankful that my dad taught me how to play baseball, or I am grateful my grandmother was recognized as Volunteer of the Year. She was so happy at the awards dinner.

Next look for things you can be grateful for concerning their death. I am so thankful that my brother Tom got home to have quality time with mom before she died, or I give thanks for the wonderful people at hospice who gave beautiful and loving care to Aunt Jane. The music was so glorious at mom’s funeral and I’m so thankful for that, or I’m thankful for all the sympathy cards we received. Reading them over again has been comforting.

Now look for things to give thanks for relating to positive changes in your life and/or your family. I am thankful now that I’m not crying in the middle of the night, or I am so grateful that every family member will be at mom’s house this Thanksgiving.

Finally, find things to be thankful for that are outside of you. I am thankful that the sun shines on my neighbor’s garden, or I am grateful that so many people worldwide are praying for peace on Earth every day, or I give thanks for the people who learn how and practice dancing so I can enjoy holiday musicals.

I humbly offer these thanks-giving possibilities to you. Of course, you will use your own language and style of writing/speaking as you find reasons to be thankful specific to your life right now. If you will be more comfortable, use a preface statement like Even though I am sad (mad, afraid, devastated) I am thankful that. . .

It is OK if you only have a few thanks-giving-things on your list. It is OK if tears are staining your list. It is OK to keep your thanks-giving list private or you may decide to share it with someone.

I wish you a happy thanks-giving-day.

Sincerely sending you Peace, Love & Creativity,

Tricia

PS I can’t leave without reminding you that “snapping out of it” (paragraph two) is never required or necessarily recommended during grief. I prefer to encourage you to respect yourself by experiencing your feelings when they come up. Particular emotions usually won’t show up unless you’re ready to feel them.

The holidays I am addressing include the American holidays of Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. These holidays are in my tradition & experience and I can honestly write about them.

Certainly I honor the holiday traditions of other cultures but am not able to authentically write about them relative to grief. Perhaps YOU can and will use the Comments function at the end of this post to share your knowledge and insights?

As this holiday season approaches you may have a heavy heart since it may be the first time you celebrate the holidays without your loved one.

As you know, any day can be emotionally challenging during grief. For most of us, though, the holidays are different from any days because they focus so intently on togetherness, love, family, goodness and joy. Any of these are sensitive issues during grief.

The holidays also seem to come with expectations involving traveling, shopping, cooking, greeting cards, decorating, dressing up, parties, extra church activities and etc. Any of these activities could require more energy than a griever can access.

“How will I survive the holidays this year?” is a question in the minds and hearts of many during their grief right now. The answer I offer is to make a plan for the specific approaching holiday. The previous post, Planning for the Holidays during Grief, gives info about the how, why and what of greeting a holiday with a plan. The primary benefit of having a plan is that you won’t be unnecessarily overwhelmed on the holiday.

Sometimes the plan is to keep all your holiday traditions intact. Sometimes the plan is to make changes in holiday traditions. Changes you make this holiday season won’t automatically become new traditions.

For those of you who are interested in making changes to your holiday activities, below are some possibilities. These are merely ideas intended to get you started thinking about changes comfortable for you and/or your family.

* have your holiday meal at a different home
* have your holiday meal at a different time
* have your holiday meal at a restaurant
* change the menu for your holiday meal
* re-arrange the usual seating plan for the meal
* invite new people to share in your holiday meal
* change the “dress code” for your holiday meal
* attend a church service related to the holiday
* help serve a holiday meal at a shelter
* decide not to exchange gifts this year
* collect the money that would have been spent on gifts & donate to charity
* collect the money that would have been spent on gifts & buy toys for a children’s group
* put up a different type and/or size Christmas tree
* use different decorations & lights on the Christmas tree
* initiate or join a holiday caroling group
* decide not to send greeting cards this year
* decide to send greeting cards this year
* play different renditions of your favorite carols
* discover a new Christmas carol to share
* travel to a vacation spot for the holiday
* sleep through new year’s eve
* stay up to see the new year’s eve “ball drop”
* don’t make a list of new year’s resolutions

Please share any ideas you have for making changes to your holiday traditions in the Comments part of this post. Your ideas and feelings can be really helpful to another in their journey through the holidays.

Sincerely sending you Peace, Love & Creativity,

Tricia

The holiday season I am addressing includes the American holidays of Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. These holidays are in my tradition & experience and I can honestly write about them.

The holidays can be an especially painful time for people whose loved one has died. Even the approach of the holiday season can bring a grieving person worry and concern.

Not only are grievers affected the first year after their loss, but strong feelings can come up for many subsequent years. Indeed, many peoples’ hearts will be saddened during the holidays for the rest of their lives. If the death of your loved one happened close to or on one of these holidays your experience of the holiday may not ever be easy.

For many of us the holidays are a time of family gatherings filled with love, tradition and ritual. You know, since your loved one will not be physically present, this holiday season will be different than any before.

The commercial aspect of the holidays is a factor in grief. Stores, our neighborhoods, the workplace, television, and magazines focus us on the holidays even if we try not to be aware of the time of year. Churches put emphasis on the holiday season for spiritual significance as well as to build community. The message conveyed is the holiday season is a time of laughter, joy, love and warmth.

Feeling overwhelmed by the approaching holiday season is an experience shared by many in their process of grief. However, you deserve to eventually celebrate the holidays again in a way that is meaningful to you. This goal is possible to achieve if you choose it.

Making a plan for Thanksgiving Day, Christmas Eve & Day and New Year’s Eve & Day is key to experiencing some laughter, feeling some joy, sharing love and feeling the warmth of the holiday season. Your plan, of course, can have space for sadness and tears. Your experience of Thanksgiving can affect what you plan for Christmas, and your experience of Christmas will probably influence your plan for New Years.

Perhaps not everyone involved will be in agreement about the plan for the holidays. Compromises can be made or individuals can choose to proceed in a way that is good for them.

Even if you don’t follow your plan exactly, having felt/thought through and prepared your plan will get you to a place of personal strength. From this space of strength you will be able to navigate through the emotionally charged holidays reasonably well or better.

Waking up the morning of the holiday unprepared will leave you in a space of weakness and your day could then be filled with extra upset and sadness that could have been avoided.

Some families/people are comforted by keeping traditions as they always have been. The death of their loved one brought a huge unwelcome change into their lives and making more changes is simply not OK. Thus, the “plan” that feels right for these people/families is to follow holiday plans as they have been before. After taking some time to talk and feel it through, you and your family may plan not to make any changes.

Other families want to do something different for their holidays in the year/s following the death of their loved one. They talk it over, feel it through and decide making some changes will help them celebrate the holiday as comfortably as possible. Although new traditions are not set in one year, making significant changes is leading in that direction and brings comfort.

As the holidays approach I encourage you to begin making advance plans. Being proactive at this time will serve you well. If you decide to make changes to previous years’ holiday traditions, watch for the next post as it will contain some possibilities for you.

Also upcoming are posts about emotional challenges specific to the holidays of Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years.

Sincerely sending you Peace, Love & Creativity,

Tricia