Planning for the holidays during grief
The holiday season I am addressing includes the American holidays of Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. These holidays are in my tradition & experience and I can honestly write about them.
The holidays can be an especially painful time for people whose loved one has died. Even the approach of the holiday season can bring a grieving person worry and concern.
Not only are grievers affected the first year after their loss, but strong feelings can come up for many subsequent years. Indeed, many peoples’ hearts will be saddened during the holidays for the rest of their lives. If the death of your loved one happened close to or on one of these holidays your experience of the holiday may not ever be easy.
For many of us the holidays are a time of family gatherings filled with love, tradition and ritual. You know, since your loved one will not be physically present, this holiday season will be different than any before.
The commercial aspect of the holidays is a factor in grief. Stores, our neighborhoods, the workplace, television, and magazines focus us on the holidays even if we try not to be aware of the time of year. Churches put emphasis on the holiday season for spiritual significance as well as to build community. The message conveyed is the holiday season is a time of laughter, joy, love and warmth.
Feeling overwhelmed by the approaching holiday season is an experience shared by many in their process of grief. However, you deserve to eventually celebrate the holidays again in a way that is meaningful to you. This goal is possible to achieve if you choose it.
Making a plan for Thanksgiving Day, Christmas Eve & Day and New Year’s Eve & Day is key to experiencing some laughter, feeling some joy, sharing love and feeling the warmth of the holiday season. Your plan, of course, can have space for sadness and tears. Your experience of Thanksgiving can affect what you plan for Christmas, and your experience of Christmas will probably influence your plan for New Years.
Perhaps not everyone involved will be in agreement about the plan for the holidays. Compromises can be made or individuals can choose to proceed in a way that is good for them.
Even if you don’t follow your plan exactly, having felt/thought through and prepared your plan will get you to a place of personal strength. From this space of strength you will be able to navigate through the emotionally charged holidays reasonably well or better.
Waking up the morning of the holiday unprepared will leave you in a space of weakness and your day could then be filled with extra upset and sadness that could have been avoided.
Some families/people are comforted by keeping traditions as they always have been. The death of their loved one brought a huge unwelcome change into their lives and making more changes is simply not OK. Thus, the “plan” that feels right for these people/families is to follow holiday plans as they have been before. After taking some time to talk and feel it through, you and your family may plan not to make any changes.
Other families want to do something different for their holidays in the year/s following the death of their loved one. They talk it over, feel it through and decide making some changes will help them celebrate the holiday as comfortably as possible. Although new traditions are not set in one year, making significant changes is leading in that direction and brings comfort.
As the holidays approach I encourage you to begin making advance plans. Being proactive at this time will serve you well. If you decide to make changes to previous years’ holiday traditions, watch for the next post as it will contain some possibilities for you.
Also upcoming are posts about emotional challenges specific to the holidays of Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years.
Sincerely sending you Peace, Love & Creativity,
Tricia